Deep thoughts, provoked by deeply stupid people.

I got a new livejournal, this one has too much old stuff on it.

andandhearts
that's the new one.

I wish I could say what I'm really feeling without words getting in the way. You know, the only thing that never lies is the look in someone's eyes. Words are careless but you can't fake what's behind your eyes.

I don't feel like caring right this minute. I have too much shit to do.

So yeah, I updated.

I don't know who I am anymore and the more I try to figure it out the less I know myself. I havent felt this way in so long, I havent been this confused in a while. Yesterday I couldn't have been happier, my life was perfect and today nothing's changed, so why do I feel like this? I finally found someone I really care about. I'm finally able to open up to another person. I'm getting everything I've wanted for so long and I'm terrified to take it.

and my friendships... that's another thing. I feel like all of my friendships are fake. Every single one. Like the only person I can be honest with is Stefy. She has no idea how much that means to me, that I can talk to her. But it's like, the people I thought loved me just don't give a rats ass and I'm realizing that now. I thought I genuinely had friends. I was wrong. Fuck this cycle, I hate it.

I'm failing almost every class I'm taking now because I dont care anymore. When did that happen? When did I lose my drive and ambition? I was going places, I had a 3.8 GPA, UCF was sending me information packets. WHAT THE FUCK is wrong with me? I can't deal with myself right now. I can't focus, I can't think. FUCK.

No one reply to this entry, thank you. I know I'm a rambling dumbass.

Life is really good. Except for the fact that my girlfriend's mom hates me and won't let me see her. Yeah, it sucks cause she live RIGHT down the road from me. But everything's alright because things are going pretty well with Devon. I'm happy :)

Band= good. School= bad. Girl= awesome.

This is a good week because Monday is the only rull regualr day of school and Monday's already over. Tomorrow is the PSAT which I'm going to be "too sick" to go take. I'm sorry, but I just dont care enough to waste my time and sanity on that test. So, I'm going to sleep in and that makes me happy.

Life's pretty good, just thought I'd update.

I think that I'm extremely lucky.

So I just got back from Devon's chorus concert and damn was I impressed. I wasn't expecting to be entertained at all or enjoy it (sorry, I've just never liked chorus) but I actually liked it. I'm glad I went. I was blown away by those kids. And Devon was... well she was beautiful. I thought it was amazing.

Oh my God... this girl... wow. I'm so happy right now, it's ridiculous.

So it's finally up! They were talking about it on the morning show and everything. I'm excited. I wanted to list the officers:

President: Alicia Deer (me!)
Vice President: Jason (Jay)
Secretary: Sarah Moyer
Sergeant of Arms: Stefy DeVita
Historian: Devon Keene
Treasurer: Open

I had THE best time tonight. Stefy, Ally (Paul), Devon and myself went to that Grand Prix place that used to be Malibu. It was awesome.

Game tonight was lame. We won 23-0. We played Newsome and it was their homecoming. The band got insulted by some kids from Newsome. Whatever. They were like freshmen. Not that I'm much older.

I think we're going to play some miniature golf tomorrow. I hope so.

I dont want to be home right now... but I am... and that sucks a little.

Band practice was alright. It went by fast, but it was the most boring practice by far. Overall, we got a lot accomplished and that's all that really matters.

Today was alright. It had it's moments.




I really like her...

Angela had a really good point about marching band. Marching band isn't something you do to kill time, you have to have your heart into it and WANT to be something special. You have to NEED that "superior" rating. I'm pissed that the freshmen arent stepping it up. I mean, my section (minus the three new kids that I want to smack the shit out of) falls into line and they're very good for being freshmen.Musically and marching. I'm impressed with them. But most of them just piss me off. I think I'm going to have a little sit down with those three new saxes... they cant even hold their horns right. I'm going to be so pissed/upset/depressed if we don't get a Superior again this year. But at this rate it will never happen.

Other news in my life, my "father"'s being a complete asshole. I truly do not like the man. Dude, my mom fucking has cancer and he's saying he's not going to pay child support because I wont see him. I want to have that man castrated so that he can never reproduce again. Not that he ever will.

Ohh long entry. Time for homework.

So I just got back from the psychiatrist. Apparently I have some kind of depression problem. Whatever. I don't even know why I agreed to go.

I'm in a pretty shitty mood at the minute. I'm like extremely irritable. I can't shut my brain up. There are so many things that I just want to not think about but they don't go away. I hate how stupid I am.

I know I'm supposed to be alone because I just cant seem to be attracted to the girls that like me and I can never have the one's I want. Ahh, oh well. It sucks. But I guess I have to get over that.

I have nothing encouraging or nice to say right now. I'm just going to shut up.

Today was kind of "blah" I couldnt focus on any one thing all day. My dad wants me to start taking medication again.

I'm failing World History. Yeah, great. I'm a dumbass.

Band, I went to band practice but I wasn't really awake. My body was just kind of walking around the field for 2 1/2 hours. I'm so screwed Thursday. I probably should have sat down for like 15 minutes during practice to get my head straight but I think sitting down during band practice is for losers. I refuse to do it unless I'm like dying.

Oh my God, this girl... why does she have to be so perfect?

I have SOO much homework. Not that I'll do it.

I QUIT TODAY.


the end.

That's it, I'm not going to be a bitch anymore. I'm just going to be happy for them. And smile.

I'll find the right girl in time.

I'll probably update again later tonight after the game because it's our homecoming game but I feel like writing right now.

Pep rally= shit. Everyone just loooves the band. I don't even know why we go, to be honest. But I have a good time with the band kids so it's cool.

I feel like a total asshole. I really like this one girl, and of course she has a boyfriend, but I don't want to take that for an answer. I will, though, because it's not right. So, again, I like the wrong girl. I don't think I'll find one right me me anytime soon. -emo face-

I have a serious obsession with Panic! at the Disco. seriously, I couldn't STOP hearing them in my head today. Through tests and classes... even when I was sleeping! It's insane. I MUST go to their show when they come here in October.

So... yeah. I'm pretty much done here.

I feel like writing this long, thought-provoking entry but I've done that too often. I think I'll hold that off for a bit, you know, build up some excitement.

Thank God the first quarter is almost over. I dont even want to see my report card. Honestly, my parents are going to kill me. I won't have privlages for a long time. Next quarter I'll do well.

Band... what is there to say about band? I'm a little sick of it. I dont know why, but I am. Of course I'm going to stick it out because I love those kids, but God damn, it sucks so bad right now. I hope the homecoming game is good and tomorrow's practice doesn't suck. I'm sooo looking forward to playing "Music of the Night" 15 thousand times while the court walks through. Man, I just can not wait. That was all sacasm, by the way.

I'm pretty much going to take a break from disappointment for a while. I'm not going to like ANYONE. That's a lie, but It sounds like a good idea.

GSA will be up soon. We got invited to go to a pic-nic with Newsome and Blake's GSA this October. That should be fun.

Life's alright right now. Could be a lot better, could be a lot worse. I think I'm ready for a relationship now, but I'm going to wait til I turn 16 I guess. I mean, since I wouldnt ever be able to take them out at 15. And I'm not fond of being driven around. Sooo, waiting is fun, I guess.

Band practice wasn't too bad today.

School didn't completely blow.


So yeah, there you have it.